The World according to yaya

Monday, July 11, 2005

Wading II

I came to the internet and computers late in life. Compared to some of the young bloggers I read these days I feel quite the freshman. I didn't even discover internet journals until 3 years ago. And I have to say, without wanting to sound corny, that it really has changed my life.

I have always been a complex person - some may call it dramatic, others extroverted but no one would have ever called me shy. But I am. Painfully. It's just that I dealt with my shyness by being the loudest in the room. I almost have two faces to the world. One face is of the class clown, the school captain, the overacheiver, everybody's friend and confidente. The other is a self-loathing, insecure girl who really just wants to climb under the covers and never come out again. Not many people see this side of me. The people that do are often quite taken a back and I feel they are a little disapointed. (Sometimes I wonder is Big M feels this way-like he is stuck with something he didn't expect)

This is me and I can't help it - it's hard to be on an 'up' all the time. For years I used alchohol (and lot's of it) to hide my real feelings and to stay 'up'. I am a happy drunk and people seem to enjoy me more. My mother -in-law once told me off when I was having a dry period -
"You're either very, very up or very ,very down-there's no middle ground with you is there?"
This cut me to the bone - but only because it was true. Although I had heaps of friends, I felt I couldn't relate to anybody.

Then I began reading internet journals and I discovered that I was not the only to feel this way - that there were many people from all over the world that felt the same way as me. I can't even begin to write of the relief I felt. I wasn't going mad-I was me. Even now as I am writing this it sounds like an infomercial but the internet has helped me accept who I am and opened me up to so many ways of being the person I want to be.

In the last 3 years, I have taken more steps to becoming the real ya-ya I want to be, than in any of the 28 years before. One of these steps was staring my own blog. I didn't do it before because I felt I had nothing to offer anyone else. Now, I just do it for me. I don't write this for anybody else but me. And it is so great....

One of my favourite internet journalists, Andrea Scher titled one of her entries 'wading' and I just had to use it for this entry. Because that is how I feel, like I'm wading - through the good, the bad, the happy, the sad. And sometimes I might just climb under the covers. And sometimes I may not be on an 'up'. But don't worry - I will come out refreshed, renewed and rejuvenated. And I'll write about it on my blog. I'll just wade right through.....


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