What ifs
The thing about my Mum's death is that it has affected me in areas that I didn't think it would. I now am scared about death. Not about the actual process but about not doing all that I want to do in the life that I have left. I feel that I have wasted years and years of my precious life and now I have to make "it" (ie:life) work. So, I have four jobs. Yep, you read that correctly-four jobs. And I don't really like any of them. And that doesn't include my craft creations that I sell or the party-plan- greeting-card-thingy I am looking into. I work not because I feel that I want to fit so much work in my life before I die (God Forbid!) or because any of it is fulfilling (hello - we're talking major boring here) but because there is so much I want to do before I leave this bodily plane and it all costs money.
And we are not struggling. If I wanted to I could stop work tommorow and Big M and I could comfortably live on his wage. But I want so much - and it's not so much the material things. I don't care if we never own a house. Or if we never have a new car (in fact I love Big M's old Holden so much we spend a fortune on it). Or if I never, ever dress in fashion (which I don't).
But what if I never get to visit New York again?
What if I never see the sun setting over a tropical beach?
What if I never experience a gondola ride in Venice? a gelato in Naples? window shopping in Milan?
What if I never drink cafe a lait while watching life stroll by in Paris?
What if I never snuggle with my Big M in near 24 hour darkness in Sacndinavia?
But what if I did give up work? What if money wasn't an issue? What would be my what ifs be then?
What if I never write a novel? Or complete a short story even? (A good one, I mean - that people will want to read)
What if I never make a quilt? Go in a Hot Air Balloon? Learn Yoga?
What if I never, ever get my eating under control? What if I never, ever get fit?
What if I don't find pure joy in my life?
What if I am always pining for my Mum?
What if I can't make my marraige work?
What if I never have children?
What if I never, ever have another what if again?
What if, I just shut up.
And we are not struggling. If I wanted to I could stop work tommorow and Big M and I could comfortably live on his wage. But I want so much - and it's not so much the material things. I don't care if we never own a house. Or if we never have a new car (in fact I love Big M's old Holden so much we spend a fortune on it). Or if I never, ever dress in fashion (which I don't).
But what if I never get to visit New York again?
What if I never see the sun setting over a tropical beach?
What if I never experience a gondola ride in Venice? a gelato in Naples? window shopping in Milan?
What if I never drink cafe a lait while watching life stroll by in Paris?
What if I never snuggle with my Big M in near 24 hour darkness in Sacndinavia?
But what if I did give up work? What if money wasn't an issue? What would be my what ifs be then?
What if I never write a novel? Or complete a short story even? (A good one, I mean - that people will want to read)
What if I never make a quilt? Go in a Hot Air Balloon? Learn Yoga?
What if I never, ever get my eating under control? What if I never, ever get fit?
What if I don't find pure joy in my life?
What if I am always pining for my Mum?
What if I can't make my marraige work?
What if I never have children?
What if I never, ever have another what if again?
What if, I just shut up.
posted by Yasmin @ 2:11 PM
5 Comments:
At 8:50 PM,
Frankie said…
I can SO relate to everything you've said here! I am always plaguing myself with the "what ifs" in life. What if I hadn't found your blog? My life would be so much sadder...thanks for this wonderful post and for making me feel understood. It's fabulous to connect with you!
At 6:52 PM,
sueeeus said…
Oh, Don't shut up! I'm so glad to see you've written something again. I check in on you often. I've wanted to email you after some of the posts you've put on my blog - you've said such sweet things that have been uplifting for me. You can email me at sueeeus at gmail dot com if you like. I think we're on a very similar wave length for some reason, and I find that very comforting. :)
At 9:33 PM,
Sky said…
As I have aged I have begun to think like this some, too. SO much to do and so little time left to do it all... :(
Of course, when we spend too much time away from ourselves sometimes we are avoiding dealing with some "thing" or some feelings.
Let me raise a question here: are your jobs required for you to save money for these dreams you mention or do they keep you so busy you can't grieve for you mom? No need to tell me, but a question for you to explore. I have been there. too. My grief was not for a deceased person, but instead a deceased relationship. I found when I faced it and did the grieving I was able to move on and embrace my whole life, not just the part that kept me busy.
At 12:59 AM,
east side girl said…
I can totally relate. I feel like I'm asking myself these same types of questions more and more often.
At 8:05 PM,
Alex S said…
Oh how I can relate. I am aware lately that I am not truly living this "one and only precious life" and this world is so huge and magical and there is so much to see and do, smell and taste, touch and marvel at, and it seems terribly unfair that we can't just all be nomads traveling the planet free of charge, every humn being having the chance to travel and explore and ripen. I hope you can scratch every last item off your list of what you want to do. I'm routing for you!!!
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