The World according to yaya

Saturday, November 05, 2005

As time goes by

This was the song my Dad chose for my Mum's service. The words really sum up how I feel at the moment. It has been nearly 9 weeks since I last held my Mum's hand and whispered in her ear that I would love her forever. Every night I cry because I am so desperately lonely without her and can't quite believe that she has gone from my life. I get up and go to work six days a week as usual and I laugh and joke and get through my day. But the people surrounding me can't see the sadness that lurks just beneath the surface. I don't think that I am a melancholy person. But I just feel so empty.

Sometimes I will cry just waiting for the bus. A memory will just pop up out of nowhere or I remember something that I really want to share with her. Then my eyes fill with tears and I struggle to stop the gut wrenching sob from escaping my lips. I tell myself that I'm being silly and that millions before me and millions after me will experience this pain, this loss. But it doesn't stop it from happening.

I go to my parents house probably twice a week. This is a struggle. This was my home for near on 20 years and had always been my sanctuary. Now it is just a pathway to my sadness. I see her smiling face everywhere, I smell her perfume and I hear her laughter. I don't know how my Dad and brother continue to live there because every time I step over the threshold I just want to give in to my sadness and fall to the ground. But I busy myself and try to avoid it.

I don't know how long I can continue like this. Sometimes I let Big M see how sad I am - but it frightens him and I don't want him to worry either. I miss her so much. I never wanted this to consume my life but bit by bit I feel it is.

I will publish this post- even though twice I have considered deleting it. I don't really want to share these feelings with anyone but somehow know that I have too. So I will leave it and post it and write another post reflecting how I am most of the time and how others probably see me. I am fine - sometimes it just all feels like a bad dream.

5 Comments:

  • At 2:07 PM, Blogger aing said…

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

     
  • At 2:11 PM, Blogger SueeeuS said…

    You are so blessed to have had a beautiful relationship with your mother. How lucky you are! To have so many beautiful memories to cherish and savor. I think there will always be sadness at missing a person, but the joy, remember the joy! All the moments of love and the love never stops. It's always there. Always. She lives on in you. You will smile through your tears, and the sun will rise again.

     
  • At 6:09 PM, Blogger Suse said…

    You are not silly for feeling sadness and grief. You are perfectly normal. And yes, everyone goes through it at some stage.

    It sounds as though your trip to the UK is just what you need ... draw strength from your best friend, and the aunt of the spiritualist chats, and your special places there. When you come back you may be able to deal with your father and brother's grief more easily.

    Just know that people are thinking of you.

     
  • At 6:58 PM, Blogger sabbath day's journey said…

    I am thinking of you. I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how much in hurts. I am praying for you.

    Michele

     
  • At 9:35 PM, Blogger Alice said…

    YaYa - before you leave on your wonderful trip go out and buy a very pretty book with blank pages, something like your mother would have chosen. Dedicate the book to her and take it on your trip. When you have something you wish you could say to her, write it in her special book. Perhaps you could paste in a favourite photo of her. Make this book a special communication between you and your mother.

     

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