Let's get a couple of things straight:
1. This is not and will not become a blog dedicated to weight loss
2. However, because my life revolves around losing weight so much, a great percentage of this blog will be related to my losing weight

Okay, now that I've written that- into the juicy stuff. I don't feel as lost as I did. I have began a life long endeavor of improving my health and fitness and if I lose weight in the process it will be a fantastic bonus. I am eating healthy but not obsessively (as I have in the past) and I am walking daily. I am not feeling guilty for not doing more. I am not feeling guilty for eating carbs or for having the occassional treat or for not excercising for over 2 hours a day or for enjoying exploring new places on my walks or for not having lost any weight this week.
I am just living life like every other human being does every single day. It is a very strange feeling. I don't know how long it will last. But I do know that if my follow my program, I will eventually achieve my goals of being a healthy and fit person. My program is to live every day like there is no tommorow. How cliched. But how rewarding.

I had a long talk to my brother last night. Al (as I shall call him) is a manic depressive who is in denial- he gets by on minimal intervention, getting loaded and many phone calls of despair to his ya-ya. I love him very much and try to understand where he is coming from but I can't understand what it must be like to not want to live. I have decided I am going to live until I am 102 years of age. And I am serious. There is so much I want to do and experience is this life that I feel I need that long to do it. My favourite quote is "THE WORLD IS AN AMAZING PLACE"

Maybe that is why I want to gain control over my eating and weight. I don't want to waste any more time obsessing and depressing. I just want to live.

There is a fantastic website at www. superherodesigns.com. Andrea is a goddess who wants to create a happier world. Read her entry on a creating a summer essay. I am writing mine but as my winter of content. She also has a fantastic idea about creating a mondo beyondo list. I started one in NY at the beginning of this year but A. really has inspired me to tweak with it a view to making it special.

Because I am special. And I deserve all that this world has to offer. And that is the word.

Let's start at the very beginning -take 2

I don't know what I want to achieve from this blog. I think I just want to see my words out there, but by there I have no idea where I mean. I just have a real need to do this.

As I have already mentioned, I am 31 years of age. I have a lifetime of regrets. I regret not doing better in school, I regret leaving Uni early and not finishing my degree, I regret going out with many of my (very) ex boyfriends and I regret not spending more money on travel. (More on that later....) But most of all, I regret wasting 15 years of my life trying and failing to loose weight.

I'm a bit like one of those articles you may have read in a slimming or fitness magazine;
"I've tried every diet and gimmick known to man- low fat, no fat, no carbs, only eggs and grapefruit, half a cow and two sticks of butter, just juice..." Except, usually those articles end in a positive note with the writer finding 'the' answer- 'the' diet. I haven't.

I lost over 17kg last year before my wedding and thought I would never have to diet again. 5 months and 13 kg later, I am pratically back at square one. I have to admit, I'm not as large as I used to be. I once hit the scales at 99.4 kg (don't forget the .4 of a kilo!) and didn't know where to begin. I don't know how I got down to 85kg but that has pretty much been my homing weight for 4 years. I mean that I get down to 78kg and then back home to 85kg. I was 76kg for my engagement party and then back to 84kg. I then ate only fruit and vegetables and copious amounts of legal speed (ie Duromine) to get to my wedding weight of 70kg. As I mentioned earlier, that lasted for 5 months. I feel like Oprah - in her out of control days. In fact, she mentioned in an article recently that she can look at any photo of herself and know exactly what weight and size she was at that given time. That's me.

And I hate it. And I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to turn 40 and regret not taking control of this in my thirties. I want to live without having to think about food 24/7. I want to be normal - whatever normal is.

The truth is I have forgotten how to eat. I know that sounds stupid and I don't mean that I have forgotten how to put food in my mouth. Believe me, I have that at an Olympic standard. I don't know what weight loss path to follow - what are the right foods, what excercise to do etc. All I do know is that if I continue down the path I am now traveling I am going to stay fat - probably much fatter.

So what to do?

well, hello.....

It has been a long time but finally, I have the blog- I call it the blog because I have been promising myself for years that I would begin one. And now at 31, I have absolutley no idea what to say......